Wednesday, August 20, 2008

feeling angry....

As I dealt with soggy boxes...roofers...and cleaning... I waited and waited for my husband to call me.

And waited.

Cleaned...and waited. I even got up on our roof with one roofer!

By the end of the day- knowing the time difference in Bahrain... I knew I wouldn't get a call. Luckily- I had one friend who also didn't - Kelly - and her husband(like mine) is very very good about communication.

I didn't sleep because I still thought- he'll email me. He'll DO something.

On my way to work this morning.... I turn on my cell phone ( I don't get service at or around my house ) and see a voicemail. I roll my eyes thinking Mom was up early this morning checking on me. But no. Voicemail is from my husband.

On Monday when we talked - I told him that Tuesday would be my first day off in weeks. He can't possibly be so self absorbed- that he forgot. He lives in that house ( he's never there- but he DOES live there so he knows we don't get cell phone service ) - AND even if he didn't know or didn't remember that was the FUCKING best he could do? Call my cell phone once?

Oh- and the reason we need to replace out roof ( Which is happening on Tuesday ) - because my wonderful husband never cleaned out the gutters, or our flat roofs- and everything collected up all the rain water, leaves etc pooled up there caving in the middle of TWO flat roofs. We actually have grass and plants growing out of our gutters. Greener grass then on our lawn one roofer joked with my dad. My parents stopped by on their way home from Maryland to meet the roofer I picked and make sure we weren't geting ripped off. I'm lucky to have great family here to help.

*sigh* Now- obviously. He was never taught home maitnence. And the solution is to have a pre-deployment check list. Which now we have. Things to check so your wife doesn't hang herself in the bathroom(Kelly came over to make sure I didn't - thank you!) I don't actually think he's stupid. Or that he would do anything on purpose to make my life difficult- but it certainly doesn't feel like he tried to make sure everything would be OK. I don't feel safe and/or protected. I feel very very angry.

We're going to replace one roof now and one next spring. So monthly- I have to get up there and clean it off, make sure no water is sitting up there. This will ensure the other flat roof makes it until Spring. I'll be looking to borrow ladders this fall and winter.

When does the feeling end. The overwhelming feeling of doom.
I can't do this for 6 months.
I don't even feel like me anymore.


mommymichael said...

sam, you can do this. you are doing this, and you will do this because you love him. and he loves you.

take into account that as MUCH as he loves you, he's a man. *trust me, it helps to think this*

my husband left me with no gifts of support, no letters for me to read when i'm feeling blue or when their in black out. yet he loves me, and yes when he's thinking about impending deployment...well he turns stupid to everything else. he put me 400 dollars in the hole because of everything he bought for deployment.
i felt angry, how could he leave us and the kids to almost bare pantries and no money???? he wasn't thinking... but that doesn't MEAN he doesn't love me. and you bet his ass he was apologizing up one way and down the other when he got the e-mail informing him.

you're a navy wife. you KNOW it's the toughest job. resign yourself now to know that there will be hard times, you'll survive, you'll move on, you'll celebrate his homecoming... but most of all, he loves you.
even if a voice mail was the best he "stupidly" did.


Anonymous said...

I hope you are using this blog as an outlet for your anger. Hopefully you will read this in a few days and see how silly it sounds. 2 things though.
1. it will get better. and 2 you CAN handle the 6 months.

Joe and Samantha said...

Hmm.. I don't think I'll ever think it sounds silly.

Michael: THANK you. Your kind words did wonders!

mommymichael said...

there's a reason we need to give ourselves a support group when we're navy wives. =)