Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Maybe it's winter?

I've decided that I am in a bad mood because it's winter.

And I'm happy to report that I mostly got over myself these last few days. I received some really cute emails from Joe- That always helps! I turned up the heat too -I thought being cold wasn't helping my 'cause'.

Joe sent me an email that said... " I hope you're not just eating ice cream". I found that a little odd because he is the ice cream LOVER in our relationship. For the most part- I can take it or leave it. When I had the girls over.. I bought a lot of icecream and all the toppings for our icecream stations. Joe will enjoy that when he gets home.

Thanks for all the love and support!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Feeling sad...

This underway has been rough for me.

It's one of the shorter ones we've done, I've gotten the most e-mail ever.... and I was even surprised with a short but WONDERFUL port phone call from Joe not that long ago.

So what's my problem?

We have two beautiful houses and have made a gorgeous home for our self in our CT house. We need nothing...we "want" for little. We are happy in our lives, with our families....and most importantly with each other. Our careers are going well ( Have I mentioned lately how proud I am of him...? And how I can't WAIT to be the one standing next to him in 12 years...when he retires after 20 AMAZING years in the NAVY).... We are both very healthy. No complaints...

Yet- I find reasons to be upset...to be sad... I have no reason to be lonely. Joe is around me everywhere... stacked wood, frozen food, cards... his love surrounds this entire house. My friends have made valiant efforts to visit, sent cards, sent emails, stay up with my on AIM while I whine... I have nothing to complain about. I work more then full time- I'm busy! I have plans ever waking moment so I wouldn't get "lost"- but yet... I am. lost. I need a flashlight... but really what I want... Joe here holding the flashlight.

So what's my problem?

I have no idea. I don't know how to snap out of it or get over it. I find myself "reading" into his emails(he isn't one for words- and I know that) and... then writing my own emails back ( I'm one for direct words...) *sigh* - Can you see where this is going????

I do NOT cry myself to sleep. I'm not one of those girls.... I HATE those girls... EEeeek. Joe makes me weep. Well, not him in particular- although could he please work on the art of "comforting" someone?!?! - but him being gone... has made me a bit weepy. I'm not the weepy type. Some people will say- yes but you love him. Yeah, yeah- I already knew I loved him. I don't need to weep around the house to "feel" it. by the way- I also know I should be comforting myself- I'm a big girl. I put my big girl pants on every day... Honestly- I think he sucks so bad at it right now ( And "suck" is me being nice ) because he's having a hard time too - I'm sure he thinks I suck at comforting him. Joe is my rock in real life. He's my superhero. Right now- I'm taking away his cape. He can earn it back in kisses when he gets home. I miss his kisses... I miss his arms around me ( see..... it's soooo easy to get weepy! )

News Flash: Communicating on email is REALLY difficult. And stupid. I have learned to keep the emails simple- no in depth conversations. Even if you REALLY feel that way, save it. *sigh* Lesson learned.

I guess..it's a rite of passage- welcome to the navy "wife" world. I must have missed it during the first time he was away. I don't want a warning. I don't need a warning. I'm a superhero- I can do anything. I can do 12 years- and I can do it NOT feeling like garbage. So there.

It's like my favorite quote from Good Will Hunting - "Bad times wake us up to the good times we weren't paying attention to". I miss the craziest little things; our toes touching in the morning, waking up next to his warm body, coming home to him at night, text messages, cheek kisses, our shoes next to each other under our coat rack, a glass of wine at night, sitting by the fire... I could go on and on. I need to cherish these times more when he's home......

I'm lonely...
I'm mopey..
I'm exhausted....
I'm sad........................... I really really really really miss Joe.

I need to get over myself- pronto. Even I'm sick of me lately.


At least my toes are cute! Thanks for the pedicure mom....

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Girls Night- Girls Night - Girls Night

Have I ever mentioned that I have great friends? Except for the fact they are all married or pregnant...which means that we're pretty boring 25-28 year olds- THEY ARE GREAT! ( And I think they're fun too!)

I decided that 2008 was going to be a ....looooong.... year for me. Maybe even *gasp* challenging(but also exciting). Joe will be gone more then 9 of the 12 months - one of the stretches will be a deployment(6-7 months) and he will most definitely not be here for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I could be mopey,sad,lonely- and I'm sure I will be sometimes..but instead I decided to make this year as interesting and exciting as possible. And my friends joined right in on the fun. I decided themed sleepovers were going to be part of my 2008. REAL GIRL TIME. Most of them are over an hour away but all ROSE to the occasion after receiving my very first slumber party invitation. This first one will be the WINTER blues slumber party. The only rules were comfy blue jammies and total chick flick movies. I am excited and ready for them. Lots of Arbor Mist ( I know I'm classy- I can't help it- I LOVE it ), sundae making stations, appetizers and a roaring fire.

Anyway- Since I don't tell them nearly enough- Thank-you... For leaving your husbands on a Saturday night and embracing my life with me. It's very touching to know such wonderful and loving gals surround me.

Lucky Gal- signing off.... but promising to post goofy girl pictures later....
P.S You may not appreciate this quote if you're not a Grey's fan- but it's still my favorite!

Cristina: She's my person.
Burke : Right. And if Meredith doesn't approve, then what?
Cristina : This, this is not about getting her approval, its about.
Burke : What?
Cristina : Telling her makes it, makes it.. If I murdered someone, she's the person I'd call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor.
-Grey's Anatomy

Friday, January 18, 2008

My new workout.....

So... I got up at 6am to check my email(nothing) and then back to bed. Today was a complete day off( Day without pay- had errands, cleaning, grocery shopping...etc) so I snuggled back into bed and woke back up at 9:30am to check my email(nothing). Chatted with Alicia and Joy(awesome Navy wives) while I paid bills and got the deposit ready. I jetted out of here at 11:45. Just enough time to get to the bank before noon. I get to my car and realize that I don't have my keys. Shoot. Don't have my phone either. Double shoot. I'm in Joe's plaid PJ pants, big boots and a red long sleeved shirt. I feel this new "safeness"(Is that a word?) in my house because I tried to break in for about 30 minutes. Then I started the walk to Pete and Sue's. It's about a mile and half. I kept thinking- this could be worse...it could be raining. *sigh*. I get to their house- luckily Sue was home. Of course Pete has the keys, so once he got home- he dropped me off and.... home sweet home... and EMAILS from Joe too. I guess it was worth the work out.

Oh, and the toilet had been running, I finally got a picture from online and fixed it ... go me! I re-organized our bills too- Took me a long time on Wednesday- but I LOVE it.

Having my winter blues slumber party with the girls tomorrow night- so back to cleaning!

Here is to hoping for a smoother underway from this point on...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

And he's offfff....

Now that Joe has been gone for a reasonable amount of time... I can write about it....
*sigh* He's gone.

When he's gone...crazy things happen like snow storms, rain storms, toilets running, duvet cover fighting(it always goes on easier when he's home)....etc etc etc.

When he's gone... I'm easily reminded daily of how much I love him...and how loved I am. Some of these "reminders" are not so obvious, like how he stacks wood on the deck so I don't have to go all the way to the wood shed(it's not that far-but I hate being cold). Another subtle reminder is how Joe always leaves cash on the table. He knows I wouldn't go to the ATM and take it out myself because I'm a saver and why take money you don't need?!? He also knows that for some reason my mind won't connect him taking it out and giving it to me as the same thing, so I'll spend some of it on myself(rare). The most obvious reminder is the cards he left. They are labeled: When you are stressed, 1/2 way home, Wait a few days...more then 3, The day I leave. He is sweet. The cards are always perfectly cute, sweet, inspiring(whatever the occasion). Have I mentioned lately...how very lucky I am?

(side note: I ignore all of the card titles and open them when I feel like- why you may ask? I send Joe with cards of his own. One for every day he is gone. He recently confessed sometimes he opens five in a day...or how ever many he wants to feel better. That made me laugh...because...I basically do the same thing. )

....so although I hate the leaving, the goodbyes.... absense DOES make the heart grow fonder...and the homecomings are amazing. Non-military wives may want to envy us. There is nothing like running into the arms of the person you love after they have been underway or deployed. Underways, although shorter then deployments do have it's special little thing.... you haven't heard your significant others voice in a long time.....which makes that homecoming sooooo sweet.

I can't wait for the sooooo sweet. For now... I wait. Not so patiently. But.. I do wait.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The tough stuff.....


Being an adult = tough decisions

Joe has been on his boat for a long time now- 3 deployments in all. His time is coming to an end right before a deployment. We had the opportunity to avoid the deployment and start his shore duty in South Carolina or New York teaching. Of course the idea of going right into a shore duty in a few months is a wonderful idea. South Carolina is a wonderful idea. A wonderful warm idea.

So how does a couple make the decision? There is no compromise. So...if you don't both 100% agree-someone "wins". *sigh* This brings me back to the tough decisions that adults have to make. We make lists - mentally and on paper

Pros to moving to South Carolina
1. No-minimal time away on the sub for 3 years. Most likely no time!
2. We would have the summer together.
3. He would be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. ( He won't be if he goes )
4. No deployments for 3 years -
5. South Carolina is nice. and warm

Pros to staying in Connecticut
1. We have two houses here- one that we already rent. Might be a pain to try to manage two from far away.
2. My jobs are both here. And although I could move one, I couldn't move the other.
3. We want to have children at the end of the shore duty- and if it starts earlier, that will take away from some of our adult time together
4. I REALLY want to get a deployment(underways aren't the same) under our belt as a couple. It will make the shore duty that much SWEETER if we just came off of a deployment. I think of how sweet underway homecomings are- whew- I know how sweet a deployment homecoming will be.
5. There is a great teaching job in Connecticut(sub school) after the deployment. It's not a sure thing ( Nothing in the NAVY is ) -but he can put in for that.
6. It's better for his career. He has a better chance of making chief on the boat deployed then on shore teaching.
7. My family is in RI. Joe's family is in Maine. This is the closest place we can be to be close to them. Although NY isn't far- SC was really where the decision was.

While making this decision- I felt like we were in a big game of Deal or No Deal. If we go to South Carolina, it is not 100% that we would ever get to come back to Connecticut. If we extend on the boat and go on the deployment, there is not a 100% chance that we will get to stay in Connecticut for the shore duty.

What did we decide?
*drum roll*

We're going to take our chances and stay in Connecticut. He has extended on his boat and will be deployed this summer. I think there was a part of both of us that wanted to say- Yes... let's do it. Pack it up and move it to South Carolina. The practical part of our brains told us that for Joe's career - this was a better choice. For our future ( not immediate- but way out there future ) extending would work better for our "plans". And...we haven't even finished completely unpacking from this summer...and we just got great tenants.... You get the picture. Connecticut it is.

The first few days following our decision, I felt guilty- I was the driving force behind staying. I felt like Joe wanted me to save him from this deployment. He really doesn't want to go (who does?). His puppy dog eyes and moping were making me sad. He told me people on his boat thought he was nuts...he could get off... So I went from sad to mad(STOP making me feel bad!)... but then back to sad. He gave me(us) the choice- and he didn't have to. He could have made the decision and came home and told me. The Navy does that sometimes- I would have had no way of knowing. But that's not his way- He's a good man. And I love him.

And when deployment comes, and he makes chief- and we have our homecoming... and shore duty comes... and it's in Connecticut- well... then this will all seem like a distant nightmare....

Here is to hoping.... and crossing our fingers...and putting all our positive energy out into the universe...that if we sacrifice now... we will be rewarded later....

I'll take later.

I am a lucky girl.....sad for this week.... but lucky in general.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

.....Life happens

Well, another certification weekend under my belt- Wooohoo! I had the blessing to find out that I certified on both programs yesterday morning. I LOVE my regional manager- most people will have to sweat it out until the end of the week. Both programs are great - Making Your College Search Count and Making College and Career Count. I love what I do. The other speakers there were amazing- as usual. What a group of people.

Yes, we know.... we have some luck- eh? But... this time DID work out a little better then last time. He was still home when I got home after a very long and stressful weekend. And...for me .... there is nothing better then Joe after my body has had it. I arrived late, sore...tired(about 9 hours of sleep total for 72 hours), lost voice and emotionally drained. He took great care of me.....which was crucial- I had to work my first 11 hour ( But ended up being 12 hour ) day with the girls. I love being a nanny- it's great.... you get your "baby" fix, It's only 3 days a week ( I can speak the other 2 ), I'm not as lonely when Joe's away because I'm busy...and it's a great additional income. Joe and I decided a long time ago that we are going to have kids in our early 30's. It will be closer to his retiring date and PERFECT - he won't miss little league and dance recitals- or at least...too many of them.

Cuties- they are! But Whoa. I have officially decided there is NO way I'm having more then 2 children. Just the 2 was a project. To the park.... almost an hour of "prep" time. It's crazy. Stay at home moms across the country- I stand and honor you....

That's all for now. Off to day two with my two girls...... I have tomorrow off- Whew!


Sunday, January 6, 2008

Why does this always happen?

Well as some of you may know the last time Sam went to training I had gone underway and we came home early due to something broken. Well as you can guess we are home now, again something broke. So here I am, at the house while she is away at training what a strange twist of fate. I did get to talk to her though and she will be home soon so there is some comfort in that for both of us. Still you have to wonder if maybe she has a part to play in why we always seem to break........

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Off to training.....

I'm ALWAYS so nervous.... I wish I wasn't so nervous...but here we go. I'll be training/certifying on two separate scripts this weekend. Wish me luck.

Joe's away.... which makes it harder.... He talks me off the ledge at night during trainings. I know, I know...get over myself. ugh. I always feel the pressure......

Well I'm offfff to Ohio....... 6am flight *grumble*

Oh, and isn't this picture cute? It's from the picnic Joe's boat had this summer.

I'll write all about it when I get home!