Friday, July 11, 2008

Why...oh why..oh...why.

See... I prepared for this.
I WAS READY for this deployment.

I spent the last few months ( as Joe mentioned ) writing 200 or so cards ( facts of the day, jokes of the day, riddles of the day, question of the day.....on one side and then my letter/note on the other ) Writing those cards ( although it was wonderful for him to have little packets for each month ) REALLY helped me get ready. It brought me through the months, the special occasions- life without him for all of that.


We say our tearful goodbye in the morning. Phone calls from both my mom and dad and the wonderful people I work for. An invite on Sunday for dinner(email) from my best friend. I FELT even better. Look at my wonderful support system.... SO....then.....I join the other fantastic wives on the pier for a picnic with our sailors. Joe and I promised that there would be no tears at the picnic- just a fun/relaxing hour or so together. We accomplished that. I left for work. Text messages from other wives that the tugs have gone away( can't leave without them ) Phone call from Joe around 6pm. Something broke. They're home tonight.

No..No..No..No This I can't do. Too much. Emotional rollarcoaster. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Everyone is wishing ( I am sure ) that they come home again... maybe even for the whole weekend. Me? None of those wishes. Just leave. I wanted to get up today and say - " One day down.." - Instead I dropped him and our best friend Eric off at the pier. No tears, I'm too angry. I'm still angry. At no one in particular. Just in general.

To top this whole story off -I'm in a weekend wedding this weekend. My college friend Rebecca Horton will become Rebecca Henderson. I'm working this morning - and then I have the rehersal dinner this evening- over night stay - Wedding tomorrow - over night stay - Send off brunch. Come home. There is no phone reception at wedding spot and it's a half hour away. Making this weekend ( If he's even home - complicated ) - Hopes of him attending the wedding with me if he's home this weekend? That would be no. He has duty on Sat. Of course no one will switch with him. Did I mention the love of my life is pulling away and I'll be with couples trying to rejoice at a wedding???? I was fine with all of this up until them came back home.

Just leave already.
I need you to leave. I need them to leave.

But in reality- they could already be gone right now- and I don't know. They have NO idea what is going on. They have no idea when they will leave. It's very frusrating.

Call me crazy, selfish- whatever. I can't do this. All of the other stuff, fine - Not this though.

P.S I do love the ring :)


Robin said...

I'm sorry hun, that must be so frustrating, I can't even imagine :-(

Kelly said...

Hey I just wanted to let you know you are not weird or alone in your feelings. They are not my feelings this trip, but I have had similar ones in the past, and honestly I don't know of anyone who hasn't been in a similar "spot" emotionally. They probably didn't have a wedding to attend, but the other stuff.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and that you are having a very normal response.