Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sweet Sweet Voice....

It's just inevitable.... that when they go.... major things happen - things that you just NEEEED to talk to them about.... things you need to share/have to share.... things that you WANT to share...
I've had a bunch already this deployment; financial decisions, special project for speaking, a sad ending to an important friendship etc.... but you learn to express emotion in emails and share situations/feelings in sub time- rather then 'real time'(one on one conversations).

It's not easy.....

And then.... the phone rings and it's a crazy phone number..... and you KNOW it's your husband.... Of course- this is Samantha land... so it went more like this:

Get in the car to go to RI for a Mommy/Sammy day - turn on the phone to a VM. Listen to it - and..... it goes like this.... Hey baby. Thank Tony for getting this call through... I almost killed this darn phone machine-but I'm just calling to say I looooove you...I misssssssssssssss you and I want to have your babies.. ( this is where I laugh hysterically ) And why aren't you answering the phone -you're killing me. Call you later. Love you.

That's my Joey. Just the way I love him.

All day I wait... when does he call??- When I'm smack in the middle of 'Sex in the City' with my mom at the theatre. I leave ( of course ) to 17 minutes and thirty four seconds of bliss. Where I forgot all the things I needed to tell him... and just listen to his sweet voice. sweet. sweet voice. I don't cry until the end. Until I know I can't hear him anymore. Until I don't want him to hang up. Until my stomach hurts. He knows how to make it better..... " Monkey don't cry- I'll see you next time I call. " ( we skype- web cam style when possible ). I manage to get out- "OK". But he knows it's not and he tries to make me laugh by telling me he loves me thiiiiiiis much but he can't stretch his arms out because he's in a phone booth- so I have to imagine. We end the phone call giggling. I cry for the next twenty minutes while I try to catch back on to the movie. He doesn't have to know that part though.

And he'll never understand the ache my heart feels today. Or everyday when I crawl into our big empty bed with his brown sweatshirt. He doesn't get to see me as I try to find my spot. The one I rub with my thumb over and over and over until I'm calm. He doesn't see those tears. I know though.... that I don't see his either. It's something we don't talk about. Deep down we both know. It's that connection. The best friend thing. The ultimate soul mate lover thing. It's pretty amazing. And that's always my very last thought before bed.

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