This underway has been rough for me.
It's one of the shorter ones we've done, I've gotten the most e-mail ever.... and I was even surprised with a short but WONDERFUL port phone call from Joe not that long ago.
So what's my problem?
We have two beautiful houses and have made a gorgeous home for our self in our CT house. We need nothing...we "want" for little. We are happy in our lives, with our families....and most importantly with each other. Our careers are going well ( Have I mentioned lately how proud I am of him...? And how I can't WAIT to be the one standing next to him in 12 years...when he retires after 20 AMAZING years in the NAVY).... We are both very healthy. No complaints...
Yet- I find reasons to be upset...to be sad... I have no reason to be lonely. Joe is around me everywhere... stacked wood, frozen food, cards... his love surrounds this entire house. My friends have made valiant efforts to visit, sent cards, sent emails, stay up with my on AIM while I whine... I have nothing to complain about. I work more then full time- I'm busy! I have plans ever waking moment so I wouldn't get "lost"- but yet... I am. lost. I need a flashlight... but really what I want... Joe here holding the flashlight.
So what's my problem?
I have no idea. I don't know how to snap out of it or get over it. I find myself "reading" into his emails(he isn't one for words- and I know that) and... then writing my own emails back ( I'm one for direct words...) *sigh* - Can you see where this is going????
I do NOT cry myself to sleep. I'm not one of those girls.... I HATE those girls... EEeeek. Joe makes me weep. Well, not him in particular- although could he please work on the art of "comforting" someone?!?! - but him being gone... has made me a bit weepy. I'm not the weepy type. Some people will say- yes but you love him. Yeah, yeah- I already knew I loved him. I don't need to weep around the house to "feel" it. by the way- I also know I should be comforting myself- I'm a big girl. I put my big girl pants on every day... Honestly- I think he sucks so bad at it right now ( And "suck" is me being nice ) because he's having a hard time too - I'm sure he thinks I suck at comforting him. Joe is my rock in real life. He's my superhero. Right now- I'm taking away his cape. He can earn it back in kisses when he gets home. I miss his kisses... I miss his arms around me ( see..... it's soooo easy to get weepy! )
News Flash: Communicating on email is REALLY difficult. And stupid. I have learned to keep the emails simple- no in depth conversations. Even if you REALLY feel that way, save it. *sigh* Lesson learned.
I guess..it's a rite of passage- welcome to the navy "wife" world. I must have missed it during the first time he was away. I don't want a warning. I don't need a warning. I'm a superhero- I can do anything. I can do 12 years- and I can do it NOT feeling like garbage. So there.
It's like my favorite quote from Good Will Hunting - "Bad times wake us up to the good times we weren't paying attention to". I miss the craziest little things; our toes touching in the morning, waking up next to his warm body, coming home to him at night, text messages, cheek kisses, our shoes next to each other under our coat rack, a glass of wine at night, sitting by the fire... I could go on and on. I need to cherish these times more when he's home......
I'm lonely...
I'm mopey..
I'm exhausted....
I'm sad........................... I really really really really miss Joe.
I need to get over myself- pronto. Even I'm sick of me lately.
Samantha
At least my toes are cute! Thanks for the pedicure mom....
1 comment:
Hey babe...just remember what Liz and I were saying to you last week ....we don't think we could handle what you have to do day in and day out at all. So the fact that you can get up day after day and have a purpose is a lot further than a lot of us could probably get. Just remember that you're doing a whole lot better than many others would in your shoes! You should pat yourself on the back for that :-)
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