Being Proud....

Somewhere along the way with Joe, I lost track of overly independent Samantha. I think it is good that she is a bit lost because overly independent Samantha was at times very cold and judgemental. However- With deployment looming in the distance it is time to at least find the independent Samantha. It's wonderful to be in a relationship where the other person can stand on their own two feet. Previous to this relationship, I did everything because...well My way WAS the best way. Joe and I have enjoyed making our life...just that- Our life. We combined ours ways to form the "best" ways for us. This is all coming to end soon. Soon I will have to do everything..and for that... I will call upon my youthful Samantha to step it up. The Samantha who is here and now is sad just thinking about him leaving. Maybe she's in love... you know, the kind of love you read about. I've decided that is what it is. But She and her wonderful Joe deserve a sane woman on the pier. One for the goodbye and the hello. So I'm working on it. Everyday finding happiness and excitment with this "time" I will be filling. Nothing can replace Joe. Nothing comes even close to the happiness we provide each other on a daily basis. Knowing how amazing he is should make this upcoming deployment that much easier. I'll be able to explore some of my own interests, make my own schedules and enjoy all that life has to offer. I can share it all with him when he gets home. He'll be doing similar things. Exploring places I haven't - to share his thoughts and insights when he arrives back home.

..... Joe has duty today and I am busy preparing for deployment. Things for him. Projects I have been working on and am still trying to finish up. I can't share these with you because they are all surprises for him. I'll make sure he takes pictures/writes about them when he's in port- so you can share in the "fun". As I was researching a few things... I came across some very interesting information about Joe's life/job that I wanted to share with you.


It's important to know that when I met Joe- he expressed his feelings about staying in for the full 20 years+. I agreed to support his decision. I have always wondered though...What is it that lures him to continue in a career where he spends the majority of his time in cramped quarters, under great psychological stress with danger around every corner? I believe I found a few good reasons. These only remind me of how amazing Joe(and the rest of the "secret service)is.

I read a lot about the bond of his co-workers. I see this a lot. I feel it a lot myself. It's instant family. It has to be. No one understands better the emotional rollercoaster that is deployment. The stages. The cycles. Well- It's the same for Joe. No one understands his life as well as his co-workers. In addition it is true that no other branch of the military service does TOGETHERNESS mean more then for our "silent service". Each man is completely dependent upon the skills of every other man in the crew. This is key for survival. Each man knows that his life depends on the others creating a bond that is challenging but also comforting. The pride that comes from REALLY being part of team(an elite corps) is part of wanting to continue.

It isn't easy to qualify on submarines. It's highly selective. It's a privledge to serve on our submarines. For me- It's a privledge to serve at home next to Joe. The AIM of the submarine service is to battle danger, minimize the risk and take every measure to make certain that safety(not danger) is maintained at all times. So the question is... Are the men in the submarine service braver than those in other pursuits where the possibility of sudden tragedy is constant? Of course- I'm bias and would say YES(haha). I read that, "It is more accurate, from a psychological point of view, to say they are not necessarily braver, but that they are men who have a little more insight into themselves and their capabilities." It continues to say, "They know themselves a little better than the next man. This has to be so with men who have a healthy reason to volunteer for a risk. They are generally a cut healthier emotionally than others of the similar age and background because of their willingness to push themselves a little bit farther and not settle for an easier kind of existence." I believe that we all have tremendous capabilities but are rarely straining at the upper level of what we can do, these men are.

The country can be proud and grateful that so many of its men care enough about their own stature in life and the welfare of their country to pool their skills and match them collectively against the power of the sea.

Me? I'm just proud to love one.
And happy to support all of our troops in ALL branches of the military.

Samantha

Sundays without Joe....

You know... I don't mind duty day/night on ANY day but Sunday. I just hate when it's on a Sunday. I have no idea why-I just REALLY do.

I went out with Alicia and Becca for a girls day - so my morning/afternoon went by fast- but now...I'm home...missing Joe. ( Aren't I going to have some problems when this deployment comes- ya ya ya I know- but we're not there yet... ) I can't even tell you what I miss. It's just having him here. To smile at...giggle with...ask stupid questions ( My favorite: Tell me something I don't know? )... play video games with...make meals with. I have to wait until 7:30 or 8:00 tomorrow night to see my beloved sailor- and I am NOT happy about that.

In other news...we did have a nice weekend ( What we got to spend together ). Our friends Liz and Joe Burns gave birth to their baby girl a little earlier then expected- but we can all WELCOME Chloe Burns to the world. She was born on Valentines Day at 3:57. Both Mom and baby are well and we had a chance to visit this weekend. We also celebrated my brother Dean's 17th birthday. He can now go to rated R movies- yay! Other then that- we spent time together..argued about stupid stuff...woke up wrapped around each other and laughed. We laugh a lot - mostly about what stupid thing the other is doing....but still laughing.

Oh.. why does he have duty today...
missing my sailor a lot.
Samantha

Long day at the office

Well it was another long day night day at the office today for me. I had planned to take a class tonight since Sam was going to be away speaking but they cancelled school and I worked late so it again seem like strangers passing in the night, I know she will be home later but what a pain.

Prom...for adults...

Happy Holidays- Love the Navy

It's weird going to a Holiday party on Feb 7th- But .... welcome to the navy world.... Joe's boat holiday party was indeed last night at the Mystic Marriott.

We had a good time- Like our above prom picture? Ha-Ha. I have no idea why we stood that way!

Like I said, we had a nice time. We even won an IPOD Nano during the raffle. The food was good. Our table was fun ( Eric, Amy, Michael(8.5 months prego and adorable!), Rob, Josh, Anna, Dana and Scottie ). Our table would like to strongly suggest a new DJ for next year- but we still managed to dance and make fools of ourselves.

Joe's mom is celebrating a Birthday this weekend...so we're off to Maine!

Love,
Samantha

Surprise text message

Anna sends me this around 10:00am yesterday " Surprise! The boys will be home TODAY at 4:00". They were supposed to be home Friday. I'm already at work. Except for grocery shopping.... I have done nothing to welcome Joe home. I have a 2.5 year old and 5 month old. Cheers to being a nanny!

Oh no!

OK... Run them to my house. Put on Seasame Street. Look for the banner- can't find it. Look for the balloon maker(find it in the garage!). Run the dishwasher. Blow up some balloons. Put them on the mailbox. Change Sadie's poopie diaper on my couch(Shhh..don't tell Joe). Try to clean the bathroom with a baby..(this was fun..). Decide that it's not my fault the boat came in early...so FORGET this. Shave my legs in the sink. Leave.

Whew! I finally get Joe's call( aww...his sweet voice...I've been craving this for what seems like years now...) on my way home. I get home at 7:05. Fire going. Melting hugs. Tears. Romance. Dinner. Shower. Romance. Bed.

I still say...there is nothing like a homecoming. Even the underway homecomings- Although I know deployment homecomings are even sweeter.

Welcome home Joe- Welcome home.

Love
Samantha

Maybe it's winter?

I've decided that I am in a bad mood because it's winter.

And I'm happy to report that I mostly got over myself these last few days. I received some really cute emails from Joe- That always helps! I turned up the heat too -I thought being cold wasn't helping my 'cause'.

Joe sent me an email that said... " I hope you're not just eating ice cream". I found that a little odd because he is the ice cream LOVER in our relationship. For the most part- I can take it or leave it. When I had the girls over.. I bought a lot of icecream and all the toppings for our icecream stations. Joe will enjoy that when he gets home.

Thanks for all the love and support!
Samantha

Feeling sad...

This underway has been rough for me.

It's one of the shorter ones we've done, I've gotten the most e-mail ever.... and I was even surprised with a short but WONDERFUL port phone call from Joe not that long ago.

So what's my problem?

We have two beautiful houses and have made a gorgeous home for our self in our CT house. We need nothing...we "want" for little. We are happy in our lives, with our families....and most importantly with each other. Our careers are going well ( Have I mentioned lately how proud I am of him...? And how I can't WAIT to be the one standing next to him in 12 years...when he retires after 20 AMAZING years in the NAVY).... We are both very healthy. No complaints...

Yet- I find reasons to be upset...to be sad... I have no reason to be lonely. Joe is around me everywhere... stacked wood, frozen food, cards... his love surrounds this entire house. My friends have made valiant efforts to visit, sent cards, sent emails, stay up with my on AIM while I whine... I have nothing to complain about. I work more then full time- I'm busy! I have plans ever waking moment so I wouldn't get "lost"- but yet... I am. lost. I need a flashlight... but really what I want... Joe here holding the flashlight.

So what's my problem?

I have no idea. I don't know how to snap out of it or get over it. I find myself "reading" into his emails(he isn't one for words- and I know that) and... then writing my own emails back ( I'm one for direct words...) *sigh* - Can you see where this is going????

I do NOT cry myself to sleep. I'm not one of those girls.... I HATE those girls... EEeeek. Joe makes me weep. Well, not him in particular- although could he please work on the art of "comforting" someone?!?! - but him being gone... has made me a bit weepy. I'm not the weepy type. Some people will say- yes but you love him. Yeah, yeah- I already knew I loved him. I don't need to weep around the house to "feel" it. by the way- I also know I should be comforting myself- I'm a big girl. I put my big girl pants on every day... Honestly- I think he sucks so bad at it right now ( And "suck" is me being nice ) because he's having a hard time too - I'm sure he thinks I suck at comforting him. Joe is my rock in real life. He's my superhero. Right now- I'm taking away his cape. He can earn it back in kisses when he gets home. I miss his kisses... I miss his arms around me ( see..... it's soooo easy to get weepy! )

News Flash: Communicating on email is REALLY difficult. And stupid. I have learned to keep the emails simple- no in depth conversations. Even if you REALLY feel that way, save it. *sigh* Lesson learned.

I guess..it's a rite of passage- welcome to the navy "wife" world. I must have missed it during the first time he was away. I don't want a warning. I don't need a warning. I'm a superhero- I can do anything. I can do 12 years- and I can do it NOT feeling like garbage. So there.

It's like my favorite quote from Good Will Hunting - "Bad times wake us up to the good times we weren't paying attention to". I miss the craziest little things; our toes touching in the morning, waking up next to his warm body, coming home to him at night, text messages, cheek kisses, our shoes next to each other under our coat rack, a glass of wine at night, sitting by the fire... I could go on and on. I need to cherish these times more when he's home......

I'm lonely...
I'm mopey..
I'm exhausted....
I'm sad........................... I really really really really miss Joe.

I need to get over myself- pronto. Even I'm sick of me lately.

Samantha

At least my toes are cute! Thanks for the pedicure mom....