Joe's first Calendar Square

Today is Joe's first calendar square of the deployment! All of the wives calendar squares go up on this big calendar each month and the guys are allowed to take their day down when their day arrives. So- Joe's first one is here!

Thought I would share!
xoxo
Samantha

Are you ready?

Hi Monkey. You ready to stop being mad yet? Because, I'm ready- and it feels so much better not being mad.

LOL. How do you say NO to that? My husband is in port. Whew! He called. Whew! Our email fight is over. Whew!

We finished making our life decision. I finally said... I don't know how tired you are. I don't know what it's like to have 4 deployments in a row. You have to tell me. Money is just Money. We can make more of it. His response: (a very quiet) I'm tired babe. All along- he just wanted it to be OK. Financially- obviously with our re-enlistment bonus- being in a tax free zone would have been best-which would mean going to a boat and deploying. But like I said to him- (and I meant it) - His sanity...our life..and our family is more important then any sum of money. My response: OK, then you're coming home. There was no further conversation about it...but I could tell he was relieved. And I'm actually ( although I may never admit this out loud ) relieved too. To have the decision made. And to have him come home- as deployment was continuing... I was thinking... maybe I shouldn't have told him he could go to a boat...maybe it's time for family time now. In the end- His career is most important- so we could have gone to a boat...BUT...secretly... I'm glad we're not.

So home for shore duty it is. PMT to be exact. Which means we won't lose sea pay-since he'll be going on short underways during the three years. We report in April. He should leave there being VERY knowledgeable about fixing things ( more then he is now ). Hopefully get some more schools under his belt. Maybe finish his BA. And... Oh..yeah: get me pregnant (knock me up didn't have the same ring to it). We should have a busy three years!

I'm a very sensitive but VERY cold person. I get angry way before I cry. But...I have been crying a lot lately. It's been odd. So after a blissful hour of discussion- He tells me it's time for him to go because he has to share the phone he is using. I start crying and say I don't want to share. Joe chuckled. Little does he know...I was serious. *sigh*

Feeling much much much better!
Samantha

pit....

- So far... e-mail drops haven't been helping us in the way of making progress to feeling happier with big decisions or life in general.

The pit in my stomach gets bigger and bigger....

and bigger...and bigger.... and bigger.......

Joey's words....

My card:

Sam,

You are the one who.... Finds my stuff, loves my quirks, takes my side, knows my stories, gets my jokes, finishes my sentences, soothes my worries...the one who makes all my days better. And makes me a better me.

I know I am not good at telling you how important you are to me. I wish I could better explain how much all the things you do mean to me. I love you and it's true what they say... "Behind every good man is a good woman". I don't think you are behind me. You are always right there beside me as my wife and best friend. I love you very much and can't wait to come home to you.

Love J

So.. I know I've been VERY upset- and vented to some of you. And you all have been fantastic with advice, love and support- I shared these words with you- so you could all say.. " told you so! ".

ha-ha.

Thank you everyone. I know it's all okay.
We're okay. E-mail sucks. Deployment sucks.

Our marriage- does not suck- And that's a good thing.
Much love to you all and mostly to Joe- for perfect timing with perfect words.

Continued frustration - with a small light!

Frustration continues.

-Ran out of gas on my way home ( because I took 95 N to RI on accident and didn't know until I got there ) after working 10am-9pm. Thank you Stephanie for saving me!
-Still trying to find a licensed roofer to come look at the roof.
-Yard Sale was successful(thankfully no rain)-but my house is now trashed.
-Still in a delayed email "face off" with Joey. Turns out he never got my not so great e-mails but did get the one where I tried to be nicer and explain myself- Which left him confused, cold and somewhat angry.

Joy.

So- he left me all these cards. They have labels. The only one I have opened is the one that said " open after the sub pulls away". Otherwise- Deployment time has flown by- and I haven't "needed" any cards. I picked... " Open this when you feel like I don't care enough".

It was perfect. 100% what I needed/wanted to hear. Two short paragraphs put my mind at ease. I should have opened it days ago. I'm at work now- but I'll post the exact words later.

Feeling better- but still stressed
Samantha

Overwhelmed

*sigh*

Ever been in an email fight? How about with someone that you CAN'T have an in person or phone conversation with? Throw in the fact that he's going through a difficult time anyway(6 week transition chief training).

*sigh*

Trying to make life decisions about orders(where to go/what to do next in the NAVY) is difficult in real life- in the e-mail world it's even harder. And it's easy to misunderstand what someone is trying to tell you. And add on the stress of bills, mortgages, house leaks, car problems...etc. It's time for a breakdown. But- I can't breakdown- I'm a NAVY wife- I don't have a choice but to continue.

What do I do instead?

Fire back a "not so nice" email. Actually two. I couldn't help myself. I didn't feel better after I sent them. I actually felt bad. So I sent a third trying to explain myself in a much calmer fashion. It's just very frustrating feeling like he's not listening to what I'm trying to say. It's frustrating to feel alone all the time. It's overwhelming doing everything yourself. It's frustrating. Very frustrating balancing and juggling everything. It's hard to be feeling all these things...and going through closets to finish collecting everything for the upcoming Yard Sale and find letters, pictures..etc from the ex-wife. And I know that's the way way long ago past. But it still stings. Call me crazy but- It stings a lot. And then while I was cleaning out the closet- I noticed a damp smell and damp boxes. Yes- A leak. An actual drape in the ceiling. The roof. Just what we need right now. *sigh* I had our neighbor/close friend Pete come by to take a look- and help me move everything out of the room. We just will need to get on the roof this week at some point. I have a fan going to help with the mold.

I'm exhausted. And frustrated (did I mention frustrated?). And hurt.

Mostly. I just hurt right now. Over everything. Which makes me feel stupid because I do angry way better then hurt. Hurt is hard for me.

But... it hurts.

Quote of the day!

Robin sent this to me today. I liked it.
So I'm sharing.


"A Navy Wife is no ordinary woman. Operating for months at a time without the companionship or assistance of her husband, she routinely overcomes challenges that would give the average person a nervous breakdown."
-Jeff Edwards

Note: I also shared this on a website- and got this reply:

I want to add more information because I think the back story is pretty cool. He wanted to do a tribute to his wife for standing by his side during his career, so he wrote and then read this to his wife at his retirement ceremony. Yeah, we stumbled across it while researching retirement ceremonies. Here's the entire 'poem'...

The Navy Wife

A Navy Wife is no ordinary woman. Operating for months at a time without the companionship or assistance of her husband, she routinely overcomes challenges that would give the average person a nervous breakdown.

Part Doctor, part Teacher and part Handyman, she can lavish loving care on a sick toddler, help a teenager with his Algebra homework, and track down a faulty circuit breaker -- all while holding down a full time job.

With thirty minutes notice, she can serve breakfast, lunch, or dinner to fourteen hungry Sailors, and still somehow balance her family's meager grocery budget.

She can press a set of dress whites to inspection standards, tie a perfect square knot in a military neckerchief, and pack a seabag in the cold hours before dawn.

For months at a time, she must settle for letters instead of kisses, emails in place of hugs, and long-distance phone calls in lieu of her husband's touch.

She manages a smile when her Sailor is at sea for the second Anniversary in a row, and accepts the fact that there's a one-in-three chance that he will have to stand Duty on her Birthday. She has learned to stand on a pier and wave goodbye without tears, even when her heart is breaking.

To her children, she is Chauffeur, Umpire, Psychologist, Spiritual Advisor, Financial Consultant, part-time Father, Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, and the Easter Bunny. To her husband, she is Friend, Lover, Partner, Confidant, and Soul-Mate.

She is a patriot. She is the sort of citizen that all of us should be, but so few of us are. She lives with sacrifice, because she believes in the rights and ideals that her husband defends. Although she wears no uniform, she is a part of that defense -- a vital link in the chain of Freedom. Although she wears no medals and will reap no glory on the field of battle, she is a hero in the truest sense of the word.

She is a Navy Wife.